I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
