I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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