My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
