Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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