Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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