I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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