Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Boobs are out for the taking
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
