He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
