Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
