I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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