I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
