seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
