kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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