I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
