I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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