I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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