I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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