In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
