The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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