My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
