I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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