i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
