If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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