I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
