just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
