walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
