true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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