I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
