i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
