On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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