Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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