I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
