I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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