she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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