There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
