i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
