i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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