I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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