So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Randomize
