My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
