I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
my being single is dangerous.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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