there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I could fuck to npr.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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