the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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