It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
