I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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