oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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