The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
