If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
