i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
