i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
and you fell through a lawn chair
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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