I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
