proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
